Maxwell House has joined the ranks of Cracker Barrel, Bud Light, Target, and Jaguar by taking a giant Woke step to destroy its iconic brand and alienate loyal customers.
For the first time in its 133-year history the storied coffee brand may be down to its “last drop” of goodwill with its name change to “Maxwell Apartment”, albeit temporarily, it says.
Some news outlets report that the firm’s “temporary” name change is a joke, designed to draw attention to the brand. If so it backfired dramatically. Customers aren’t laughing, they’re confused.
In a statement that could have come right out of the Babylon Bee, the coffee brand, owned by Kraft Heinz said: “In a time where value matters now more than ever, Americans seek value in areas of their everyday, including where they live.” I’m not making this up.
The press release didn’t identify the person who uttered that drivel, but they should probably be fired for drinking on the job.
I’ve never met anyone who bought coffee, tea, beer, soda, or anything else based on: “…value in areas of their everyday, including where they live.” Nobody I know understands what that means. I sure don’t. It also doesn’t strike me as funny if it is intended as a joke.
Marketing folks babble mindless mumbo jumbo in their efforts to impress each other, leaving nonmarketing coworkers and customers scratching their heads. What I think they are trying to say is that the company is offering a plan to reduce the price of its coffee for folks who live in apartments, because they can’t afford houses. I’m not sure, but I think it’s offering a package deal…buy in bulk and save some dough.
However, saying that would be too simple. It would only cost a few bucks and lunch at a local diner. It has to sound expensive to impress the corporate suits in an attempt to justify the expense accounts and the marketing agency’s outrageous fees. So they spew a string of gibberish that makes the average person think they are either overcaffeinated or drunker than Cooter Brown.
Meanwhile, back in their Madison Avenue New York skyscraper offices, the marketing agency folks are high-fiving each other and slapping the conference table as they howl with laughter at the gullibility of the Maxwell bumkins that bought the absurd concept and pay their invoices.
Instead of saying: “They more you buy, the cheaper it is” they spout a mind-numbing string of corporate claptrap.
In related news that should be of interest to Maxwell House, or whatever it now calls itself, Cracker Barrel announced it has fired Prophet, the consulting firm behind its massively failed rebrand. Why didn’t the company stuff its clueless CEO Julie Felss Masino in the same barrel and roll her out the door too? This pathetic woman approved the fiasco that cost the firm share value, customers, its reputation, and made it the subject of public ridicule.
Maxwell House responded saying: “Hold my beer”
Negative social media comments already indicate that the company is facing intense backlash after stripping away what people recognized most about the brand – its 133-year old name. They’ll probably quickly lose sales as customers may no longer recognize the product on store shelves.
These over-caffeinated clueless clowns learned nothing from other companies that voluntarily walked the same Woke plank. And if the whole thing is a joke, where’s the punch line?
Cracker Barrel saw more than $140 million disappear off the restaurant chain’s market value with shares dropping some seven percent. And they didn’t even change its name. Jaguar sales have tanked, Bud Light will never recover its former customer base, and Target can’t “tuck” its rainbow clothing line out of sight fast enough.
When I first read about the new “Maxwell Apartment” name I was positive I’d been duped by the Babylon Bee as the proposition is so ludicrous.
However, any sane folks still at the firm still have an opportunity to capitalize on the pratfalls of its clueless communications and marketing departments and have some fun.
If it is going to change its name to attract more customers and be funny at the same time why not do so targeting segments of people who live in diverse dwellings? They could create Maxwell Hovel, Maxwell Hut, Maxwell Backseat of My Car, Maxwell Heating Grate, Maxwell Section 8, Shanty, Shelter, Salvation Army, Double Wide, Mom’s Basement, etc.
They could cater to people named Peter whose wives live in pumpkins, old ladies living in shoes, farming families who live in little houses on the prairie, or guys named Jack who built their own houses. The possibilities are limitless.
That’s free advice and it’s on the house….no joke.
(This column also appeared in the national Biz Pac Review at https://www.bizpacreview.com/2025/10/08/good-to-the-last-customer-1591071/)
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Wasting Money 101: Where do college students find time to carry out their protesting insanity?
How do these alleged students find the time to harass and assault fellow students, cheer calls for genocide against Jews, conduct sit-ins, collect and distribute pro-Hamas signs, blockade libraries, and deface university facilities?
Don’t they have classes to attend and work to do?
These naïve twits have been indoctrinated by Marxist professors with terminal brain rot who find throat-cutting, baby-killing, gang-raping, plane-hijacking, suicide bombers strangely loveable.
From what I’ve seen and read these are gullible students who, if they graduate, will leave with degrees in gender studies, art history, performing arts, philosophy, library science, or ethnic studies.
They’re in for a rude awaking. They now have diplomas that employers don’t want, maybe even an arrest record to explain. And they owe tens of thousands of dollars for those pricey useless sheepskins. They’ll soon discover that being a barista won’t pay off that debt.
Instead of spouting inane slogans they didn’t understand and advocating for causes they couldn’t explain, they’ll regret not learning a useful skill.
I haven’t seen or read a single news item about students at trade schools bullying their fellow classmates, staging sit-ins, conducting protests, blocking traffic, or screaming pro-Hamas, anti-American slogans.
Why? They’re too busy studying to be welders, electricians, plumbers, builders, mechanics, and other skilled occupations that will guarantee them a secure financial future and job satisfaction. They’ll eventually hire people to pour concrete, put up sheet rock, wire buildings, landscape properties, repair car engines, fix HVAC units, and more. And it won’t be some poor sap with a degree in gender studies living in his parents’ basement.
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A Drunken Surprise: A number of years ago when we lived in Atlanta, Linda, and I would drive along Buford Highway and select from a wide array of eclectic Asian restaurants. Some of our favorites were Thai and Vietnamese for their soups and varied noodle dishes.
We’ve missed the pho soups, Pad Thai, and other noodle-based meals since moving to Amelia Island. No more.
As real estate developer building owner Pat Keogh says, if you want to see America working at its best get yourself to 510 S 8th Street where a Thai immigrant family recently opened the Drunken Noodle restaurant.
The original Drunken Noodle is a popular Thai restaurant in St. Marys, GA that’s co-owned by Gail Thitachot and her husband, Sam Sangsawangwatana,
The new Fernandina eatery occupies the space that once housed the former Area 51 Korean Grill.
The menu is as varied as the restaurant selection on Atlanta’s Buford Highway, featuring a variety of noodles, pho, ramen, sushi and much more.
Open seven days a week the restaurant is already a terrific success not only for the food but for immigrant industry and innovation. The owners did extensive renovations, and the family did all the hard work themselves. That, while operating the successful Drunken Noodle in St Mary’s at the same time. Both places are open seven days a week.
As Pat says: “Where else in the world does an immigrant family get to start their own business empire on the strength of hard work and ingenuity? Come for lunch or dinner and it’s ok to hum God Bless America over your Drunken Noodle dish.”
The building, which was originally a gas station, was redesigned by Fernandina’s late John Cotner and Pat placed a plaque honoring John’s work at the entrance to it.
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Just Wondering: Has anybody seen Joe Biden recently? The last time I saw him he was mumbling incoherent drivel sitting among the harpies on the View. He has since disappeared from sight. Maybe the family did the right thing and took away his car keys.
I don’t drink coffee. I don’t drink Bud Light. Don’t eat a Cracker Barrel. And I certainly don’t drive a jaguar. I’m a southern God that likes Homebridge sweet tea and I drive a Ford Mustang and a Kia soul so none of this silly woke. This will never affect me. If the Mustang goes woke then I’m done with them. I do think that all of this woke trash, love for LBGTQ+/gender confuse crowd is just ridiculous. I prefer my conservative, southern straight friends. I never have to worry about one of them stabbing me in the back.
I just hope the Drunken Noodle survives….parking is very very limited
Quite right, Dave, that marketers seem to live in a parallel universe, their wonders to perform. Their mindless mumeries often lead to catasrophic results, as in the examples you give. In an attempt to justify their considerable salaries, marketing gnomes ignore the common sense which teaches us: “If it aint broke, don’t fix it.” For decades “Good to the last drop” slogan, though lacking in sex appeal, has served Maxwell House well. (Some cynical wags add: “But that last drop would gag a ferret.” I do not endorse this view, and have gotten down quite a bit of Maxwell’s brew over the decades. The last drop is fine.)
Right again that President Clouseau has dropped out of sight. But then he was mostly MIA for the four years he allegedly was President. (I never went along with this gag. My theory is that the country was run for four years by the guy who came in at night to fix the Oval Office copy machine.) It’s appropriate that he sank without a trace as he also rose without a trace.
Speaking of MIA and rose without a trace, has anyone seen or heard from Charlie Crist? After losing big to Ron DeSantis in the gvernor’s race in 2022, he seems to have run out of campaigns to lose and simply evaporated. But then the substanceless Crist was always pretty evaporated. He loved to run for office but cared not a fig for performing the duties of the offices he won. While he was governor there were more sightings of Elvis in Tallahassee as there were of Charlie at work in his Capitol office.