The second edition of the satirical tabloid newspaper, the Amelia Island News-Wrecker is now online at amelianewswrecker.com and print copies are available at bars, restaurants and shops all over Amelia Island and in Yulee.
A massive iceberg threatening Amelia Island, a demolition derby at the Concours d’Elegance, and the local News-Leader accidently printing an accurate article are just a few of the “news” stories in the second edition of the Amelia Island News Wrecker, that made its debut on Amelia Island during the 2015 Shrimp Festival.
The tag line for the paper is “Amelia Island’s sacred cows make the best burgers” and its purpose is to generate laughs without resorting to obscenities and vulgarity. The only thing I can be possibly be accused of in producing this publication is bad taste.
The parody newspaper idea was motivated by my devotion to Mad Magazine when I was a kid, and later the National Lampoon along with inspiration from the Onion, a national print and online satirical publication, the British comedy series Monty Python and every movie ever made by Mel Brooks. Last year’s inaugural issue included a front page story on how the Fernandina Beach City Commission decreed that the daily sunset would alternate between the east and west sides of Amelia Island and the town’s shabby South 8th Street being declared a “scenic highway” for the vision impaired.
From the feedback I received, the self-deprecating ads generate as many chuckles as the absurd stories. The response so far has been overwhelmingly positive. However, if you’re sitting next to someone in a pub who thinks any of the stories in the News Wrecker are authentic, then you’ll probably want to move down a couple of seats.
This year’s publication also includes news reports about a local Caucasian family criticized for its lack of diversity, a local man discovered without tattoos, a nuclear bomb testing ban declared by Fernandina’s environmentalist mayor, local restaurants being ordered to install scales to avoid serving overweight customers, and many, many more untimely and inaccurate articles
The News Wrecker pokes harmless fun at our small but vocal liberal and far right wing populations, local governing bodies, the Shrimp Festival, local news gathering organizations, and other area sacred cows.
I owe a very big thank you to Ms. Kathy Warner for providing her layout and design talents.
There will probably be another edition next year, just prior to Shrimp Festival. If you have story ideas or are interested in advertising in it contact me at email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk! The three Fernandina Beach City Commissioners short-sighted and dim decision that prevented well-respected and thoughtful local business owners from combining their Fletcher Avenue commercial lots could possible lead to an even worse situation than what the dense “Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk” trio (Johnny Miller, Len Kreger, and Roy Smith) anticipated, as their nay saying will not stop development at those locations. Those properties have no side yard setbacks, this enabling adjoining structures to be built together as one unit on multiple lots. What the three witless “Nyukers” did with their misguided “no” votes was force the property owners to add additional costs to their construction plans, nullifying any aesthetic architectural enhancements their original plans included. I’m anxious for these three not very bright commissioners to explain their irrational opposition to the original plan when the not very attractive alternatives start being legally constructed. Good grief!
Bloviating Bob: Following my Blog last week, critical of the city commission for voting 3-2 not to accept the proposal to allow commercial property owners to connect their properties, my neighbor and interim News Leader reporter Bob Weintraub commented on Facebook on my remarks saying: “As the News Leader reporter who covered this issue I cannot express an opinion publicly, but if anyone wants to hear why Neighbor Dave has gone off the deep end on this issue, get in touch with me privately. But first check out the 45-tall house on So. Fletcher at Kentucky so you’ll understand what we’re talking about.”
Now, this “reporter” who says he “can’t express an opinion publically” has made his slobbering devotion to the Barack Obama alter and his “unbiased” opinions very public in the past and just this last Wednesday confirmed what most of us already know — that he leans very, very far to the left — confirming that by saying on Facebook the following when discussing area development:
“Smart development leads to great communities. One way to be smart about development is to link development with infrastructure. It used to be called “concurrency” as it required infrastructure to be improved step-by-step with development, but the Developer Party (known in Florida as the Republican Party) did away with that. At tonight’s Fernandina Beach Planning Advisory Board meeting (5 p.m. City Hall) an aspect of smart development will be under attack as the PAB takes up once again an effort to allow greater density in the city’s code. There is a cost to increasing density, either the cost of improving infrastructure (e.g. parking, traffic flow control), or the cost of congestion. The PAB needs to pay attention to these costs as it deliberates this evening.”
So, Unbiased Bob, you don’t have to tell folks “privately” what you think of my remarks. I certainly have no hesitation voicing my thoughts publically about what I think of you and your pal Ron Sapp’s “Get off my lawn you little bastards!” opinions. So please feel free to verbally flog me in the public square, giving me a chance to comment back….if appropriate. No need to whisper behind my back Bob.
Flipping Out Over Boating? If you’re a new boat owner, thinking about buying a boat, or a current boat owner suffering nautical frustration, or a boater whose wife wants to kneel haul you then you may want to contact Captain Flip Gallion.
Flip discovered years ago that boaters who are accustomed to going out on lakes or rivers, and who come here from other spots around the country, are overwhelmed with the Intracoastal Waterway, and has stared classes to come to their rescue.
The experienced Captain Gallion, who knows the waters round Amelia Island as well as any local nautical navigator, decided to do an instructional course after getting positive responses to his one-hour safety classes for the Amelia Boat Club. His program promotes boating instruction for anyone who wants to feel safer, more knowledgeable and confident on the water.
“The Rules of Navigation are confusing when you’re on local waters that intersect with shipping lanes, and there are procedures such as “Red Right Returning” that have people getting dizzy just thinking about it… not to mention, hidden oyster beds that can keep you grounded at low tide,” cautions Flip.
Flip has also learned that husband/wife teams can be counter-productive, with the husband telling the wife how to dock the boat, etc., creating emotional turmoil when there’s little time to make a mistake.
“Sometimes I have to ask husbands to keep quiet when it’s the wife’s turn to practice docking…and in many cases women have better instincts and more patience.”
Students can learn on their own boat, a rental boat, or Flip’s boat – a 19’ powerboat. Flip also teaches sailing, through the Windward Sailing school. He charges by the hour, making it affordable and flexible. He can be contacted at (904) 753-2339 or email: Flip@Oceanbird.com
Hey Washington! Analyze This! The main stream media’s fixation on the defections of well known Republicans is the latest proof that both groups remain stubbornly disconnected from real Americans says the New York Post’s Michael Goodwin. He adds that if Trump had been dependent on the support of Mitt Romney or Sen. Lindsey Graham or assorted pundits and donors, he never would have gotten 10 million primary votes. In other words Trump is 10 million Americans giving the middle finger to Washington, Democrats, and Republicans, as he launched a rocket-fueled revolution, defeated 16 rivals and became the presumptive nominee by running against the entire national establishment, not to mention conventional wisdom and both political parties. Now he’s doomed if Romney doesn’t back him? Nonsense. He’ll do what Romney didn’t do and that cost the GOP the last election — go after his opponent’s jugular. No more Mr. Nice Guy crap.
A new Quinnipiac poll tells the inconvenient truth. Trump and Hillary Clinton are tied in each of the three key swing states of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida.
The breakdown in Florida reveals how truly close the race is. As Politico puts it, Clinton has a 13-point advantage among women, 48 percent to 35 percent, while Trump’s lead among men is also 13 points, 49 percent to 36 percent. Each gets 39 percent of independent voters, while Trump wins big among whites, and Clinton wins big among nonwhites. The candidates have identical net negative approvals of minus 20 points, 37 percent to 57 percent.
Goodwin sums it up neatly saying: “He is a phenomenon, much as Barack Obama was in 2008, and he could do to Clinton what Obama did to her then. Obama was fresh, and she was tired. Now Trump is fresh, and Clinton is even more tired.”
Muslim Mayor: Sadiq Khan, London’s first Muslim mayor, wrote an op-ed promising that: “As mayor, I will be the British Muslim who finally roots out extremism and radicalization from British society. I will support mainstream Muslims to challenge extremists and work with the Internet providers to ban extremist websites.” Wait, if he’s saying there is an actual link between Islam and Islamic terrorists, he must be wrong. President Obama says there is no connection, and he always knows best, doesn’t he?
A Random Thought: If the RMS Titanic was sinking today and the crew ordered “Women and children first!” to board the life boats, what would a transgendered person do?
More NPR Nonsense: For those folks foolish enough to give money to National Public Radio, you’re getting what you paid for. For sponsoring a day’s broadcast of Michigan Public Radio, Lisa Lis was told she was entitled to have a message broadcast on the air. She chose a four-word sentence, “Happy 68th birthday, Israel.” The station rejected that line as too “radioactive”, saying, “this message would compromise the station’s commitment to impartiality and that it crosses over into advocacy, or could imply advocacy,” reports Deadline Detroit. Rabbi Jason Miller weighed in at the Huffington Post, asking: “When did wishing Israel a happy birthday become so controversial that it crosses over into advocacy, or could imply advocacy,” reports Deadline Detroit. “My hope for Israel as it celebrates 68 years of statehood is that the public will cease to treat any mention of Israel as a controversial topic. A non-political offering of congratulations to Israel on its anniversary of independence should be taken at face value and not made into a controversy.” Not only is NPR blatantly leftwing, but it appears it is anti-Semitic too.
Are You A Stroke Candidate? Three years ago this coming August I suffered a severe stroke that had me immobile and flat on my back in a hospital bed, eventually progressing to a wheelchair, then a walker, then a cane, and today walking without assistance. I had no idea I was a candidate for a stroke, but high blood pressure literally threw me to the floor, and only fast thinking by my wife, Linda, and quick action by the incredible Fernandina Beach EMS folks saved my life. I was lucky, but you might not be, so on Friday, May 20 from 1-3 p.m. you are invited to a free stroke prevention and detection program at the McArthur YMCA at 1915 Citrona Drive to determine if you might have stroke risk factors that include hypertension, lack of exercise, diabetes, smoking, and many more. I wish I had attended a session like this prior to my stroke. I strongly suggest you take advantage of this free session so you’ll never have to go through what I did. Call ’em at 904/261-1080 or just show up.
A Bang For Your Tax Deductable Dollars: The Coastal Florida Police Benevolent Association has partnered with the Fernandina Beach Police Foundation to conduct a fundraising event for the local Police Officer Assistance Program, which is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization managed by the foundation board. The raffle is being conducted in accordance with applicable Florida Statutes. Tickets are $10 each and only 500 will be sold with Chief Jim Hurley saying there are about 50 remaining. The winning ticket will be selected on Police Memorial Day, May 15, 2016. To purchase a ticket — or several — call Suzanne Bass at the Chief’s office by 5:00 p.m. today, Friday 13 at 904/310-3206 or email her at email@example.com. You’ll be entered in the drawing and invoiced you for your purchase. The prize is a Glock 43 handgun, which will be properly registered to the winner. You do not need to be present to win! I bought my ticket already.
A Wacky Happy Hour? Today is Friday the 13th so I’m assuming there’ll be some interesting goings on at local pubs and eateries tonight. There was also supposed to be a full moon but it was postponed until next week. See you there!
Bar Room Rumor? I’ve heard from upset employees that the downtown Beech Street Bar & Grill closed its doors for the last time and I’m hoping it isn’t true and maybe they are reorganizing, but employees are telling me that they weren’t open yesterday and won’t be open today either. Anyone know anything they can tell me?