Fernandina Beach, FL (August 16, 2019) – Fernandina Beach resident Dave Scott announced his candidacy for non-mayor of Fernandina Beach by promising he will not deliver a pony to every city family despite an earlier pledge to do so.
“Good grief,” said Scott to a sea of empty chairs during the formal media announcement of his campaign for non-mayor. “Nobody really believed I would deliver on that insane free pony pledge, did they? Come on! That’d be like promising free college, forgiveness of student loans, free healthcare, a guaranteed annual income, slavery reparations, open borders and socialism replacing free market capitalism,” he explains. “Like free ponies, nobody in their right mind believes any of that crap is even remotely realistic, affordable or deliverable either.”
Scott said the “pony in every yard” promise was a huge lie he fabricated as an attention grabber. He targeted small children of registered voters, assuming their harried parents would cast ballots for him just to stop their kid’s from incessantly pestering them to do so, so they could score one of the tiny equines. “Lying, deceit and outrageous exaggeration are political tactics I learned while watching the current crop of Democrat presidential candidates,” says Scott who is not affiliated with any political party because he is a non-candidate for a non-existent office in a non-partisan race.
“If elected non-mayor of Fernandina Beach I will be in a position to comment authoritatively on all aspects of city government, hold press conferences, issue decrees, make declarations, appoint committees, assign investigations, commend and condemn willy-nilly, and perform all other official non-mayoral duties,” explains Scott. “I’ll model myself after President Donald Trump, who the Democrats say is the non-President. Based on our non-President’s phenomenal success so far, the non-mayor will obviously have an enormous positive impact on the local economy. Property tax reform will be the first priority.”
Scott says, “this city commission — schooled by City Manager Dale Martin — is raising property taxes faster than Steve Bode on a downhill slalom.” He demands to know how officials can justify setting city taxes higher, while the city is experiencing an increasing tax revenue stream through unprecedented growth, rising property evaluations (10 percent this year alone worth almost $15 million in revenue) and its successful long-time extortion of local businesses. “The more you make the more we rake,” being the city’s motto and “Nice, little business ya’ got there pal, it’d be a shame if something bad happened to it,” being the code enforcement and permitting departments’ tagline.”
Scott admits his campaign is seriously flawed but says it’s not as weak, flimsy and incomprehensible as the explanations city officials toss out in an attempt to justify the increased taxes, outrageous spending, and unnecessary hiring.
“The new 2019-20 budget proposed by the city is $170,203,163” says Scott. “That comes to a whopping
$14,062.89 for each of the 12,103 men, women and children currently residing in the city limits. Since the city’s 2,374 school children don’t pay taxes that number increases to $17,494.44 for their property-owning parents. However, renters don’t directly pay taxes either, so the city’s 7,864 property owners are taking it in the shorts as their tax bill with the recently proposed tax rate averages out to an eye-popping $21,643.33 each.
According to Nassau County Tax Appraiser Michael Hickox, the city is proposing a 32% increase over the roll back rate. “Taxable values are up in the city year-over-year 14.5%, which is approximately a 21% increase in taxes,” Hickox explains. “Adding the proposed half mill increase for conservation pushes the total to over 32%. New construction and the strong real estate market are driving the increase. But the commission could adopt the roll back rate and keep taxes at basically the same level.”
See what the city politicos are doing to you here? And these numbers do NOT include county and school taxes. Why have city tax revenues increased while the population hasn’t in comparison? And why is it necessary when the city is flush with cash? One of the five commissioners making decisions on property taxes doesn’t even own property in the city. Len Kreger is a renter so why isn’t he required to recuse himself when voting on property issues? And California transplant Mike “Left Coast” Lednovich, who has lived here all of 24 months, is the biggest embarrassment city voters have ever made. Can this arrogant, smirking phony be recalled? An empty chair would be a vast improvement over this empty suit who says he wants to yank George Sheffield’s Amelia River Golf Course lease, a move that would land the city in court to be rightfully and probably successfully sued by Mr. Sheffield, an admired, long-time resident, business owner and city booster.
Scott says that during the past four years the city has hired 40 more employees and salaries now amount to $20.7 million. It even wanted to create an entire new department called Beach Management and has authorized an assistant city manager position. It wants to buy millions of dollars-worth of landlocked worthless swamp property for “conservation” in an effort to appease the extreme environmentalist tree-hugging whack-jobs — many who don’t even live in the city – who are frequently seen chanting, sign-waving and fist-shaking in and around city hall. At the urging of Commissioner Chip “Screw Your Property Rights” Ross, the city just purchased a $39.00 appraised piece of worthless landlocked downtown swamp for $25,000 of our money as part of its loopy conservation efforts. Read that sentence again! Yep, you read it correctly.
“To add even more of our cash to their already bulging coffers for such irresponsible benders, the spendthrifts at city hall also wanted to charge for beach parking, discriminating between city residents and those lucky enough to reside only in the county — a move that probably would have been illegal and would jeopardize federal funding for beach re-nourishment,” he added.
Scott said City Manager Martin’s and the elected commissioner’s explanations for the financial mess they’re creating are as convoluted and confusing as his campaign for non-mayor. He said the politicized city manager’s budget description is an exercise in bewildering “millage rates, mills of assessed values, rollback rates,” and other doublespeak and gobbledygook that a MIT PhD in mathematics would have trouble comprehending, much less the average citizen, who the city knows doesn’t have the time or inclination to decipher. That’s the way they like it. City officials prefer voters be kept in the dark with their unofficial city creed being: “We’ve never had it so good. Prosperity is here so we’re going to tax you dummies even more to ensure we can continue building a bloated staff of inefficient, bumbling, wasteful, hostile bureaucrats who will create more innovative methods of screwing property-owning residents and extorting businesses. Residents have proven that they don’t give a rip, which is amplified every election cycle by their dismal turnout at the polls. Local voters must love being screwed because they never vote us out and we never fire anybody, but just keep on hiring, spending and raising taxes. We’re proud to be city government employees and politicians with no sense of responsibility or personal honesty, who hose taxpayers daily.” While this creed is not prominently posted at City Hall it is strictly followed.
“Wake up people,” declared non-candidate Scott. “You’ve got a white elephant $4.5 million airport terminal that was built to look like an airplane; a money-losing, debt-laden city marina that has been a mud pit for more than three years; a debt-burdened city-owned golf course with dwindling player interest that loses money year after year; business impact fees that have been declared illegal by a federal judge; permitting officials and building inspectors who excel in harassing, insulting and extorting local business owners; property developers being harassed, lied to and primed to successfully sue the city because of ill-informed, ignorant, blow-hard commissioners and an inept city staff; a city pension program that is one of the most underfunded in the state, second only to Jacksonville’s mismanaged mess; a city commission that’s
cowed and intimidated by nonresident, narrow-minded, raucous environmental crackpots; hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of never-enacted waterfront plans including a recently purchased $240,000 one that’s a plan on how to buy more plans ( I didn’t make this up); and a bloated city staff that makes Blazing Saddles’ Governor William J. Le Petomane’s crew look like a model of government efficiency.” In spite of this chaotic mess the city’s priorities range from banning the release of helium-filled balloons to buying a bunch of $2,500 flawed beach trash cans and outlawing backyard chickens. What’s next, a mosquito and tick sanctuary? Property owners with worthless plots of land will be lining up outside city hall to unload useless acreage they’re currently paying taxes on because the city will buy it and take it off the tax roles for “conservation” purposes. If you have any rubbish in your attic you might want to drag it down to city hall too, as these folks will buy anything. Nothing they do makes any sense. How could a non-mayor do any worse?
The city says its priorities are based on the results of a 1,000-person survey, that Scott says he’s never seen and can’t find anyone who has. “If a referendum was held even the most apathetic voter would rush to the polls and vote against the fiscal madness and opaque puffery they’re engaged in downtown,” declared Scott. “But in their twisted little bureaucratic minds the results of some mysterious 1,000-person survey justifies hosing the taxpayer and enabling city officials to run amok while squandering taxpayer money.”
Scott’s campaign’s tagline is “Good Grief!” with bumper stickers available soon.
Non-Mayoral Campaign Staff: In his non-mayoral candidacy press release Scott also announced the following non-staff members and a list of non-supporters and non-donors who will aid in his non-candidacy.
Scott’s non-press agent is non-resident, friend, former high school classmate, and well-known American Spectator writer, humorist, and political pundit, Larry Thornberry, who while non-promoting Scott said: “Dave, I would rather be struck by lightning while being bitten by a shark than run for public office. In addition to all the abuse candidates take while running for office, if one should have the ill-luck to win there are all those narcoleptic meetings one must attend and appear to be awake during. I got my ticket punched sitting through those back in my reporting days. (Daze?) To all that I say, borrowing from that acute political philosopher, Roberto Duran: “No mas – no mas.”
Ignoring Scott’s pitiful pleas to assist in his non-run for non-mayor, his non-campaign manager, nationally prominent island resident, television producer, former Hearst Corporation executive, author, political pundit, the late William F. Buckley’s New York City mayoral campaign manager, former director of “National Review”, Chairman of the advisory firm Blackwell Corporation, and a casual acquaintance of Scott’s, Neal B. Freeman, quickly distanced himself from Scott and his campaign saying he wants nothing to do with it or him and can’t recall ever meeting Scott.
Concerned about the damage it could do to his reputation, Steve Hall, designer, art director, writer, and editorial cartoonist, whose work has appeared in publications as far ranging as USA Today and the Amelia Island News Wrecker, has volunteered to not handle any of these tasks for Scott’s non-campaign.
Local real estate broker, Phil Griffin, and entrepreneur, lawyer and frequent city critic, Pat Keogh, both say they’ll provide non-support to Scott’s campaign but prefer to do so anonymously.
Other prominent island residents mentioned in Scott’s press release include former Atlanta Braves manager and baseball Hall-of-Famer, Bobby Cox,
and world-famous authors John Grisham and David Baldacci. Scott admitted that he’s never met the three local celebrities but reckoned that if he mentioned them readers might mistakenly assume they were endorsing his non-candidacy. He also mentioned Donald Trump and Barack Obama.
For additional information or to not volunteer contact Scott at his unlisted phone number. His campaign headquarters is located at the rear table in PJD’s Beer & Wine Garden, 12 South 2nd Street. It’s open whenever he’s thirsty. The campaign web site is currently under construction, awaiting the delivery of supplies from Home Depot.
The Non-Mayor Campaign’s Random Notes: While local print media and online publications ignore Dave Scott’s run for non-office this blog, along with its sister print publication, the Amelia Island News-Wrecker, will objectively follow his non-mayoral campaign and keep its readers misinformed of key announcements and developments. We are predicting he’ll win the non-mayor office handily as he is running unopposed. Numbers used in Scott’s campaign announcement can be found at http://www.city-data.com/housing/houses-Fernandina-Beach-Florida.html. Really!
Scott’s non-campaign was inspired by a friend of his, former workplace colleague, and Associated Press reporter, Bill Shaffer, who retired to the small community of Carmel, Indiana, becoming that town’s first non-mayor.
The Sandman Is Coming: I read in local news reports recently that the city is going to buy some sand dunes. Really! It was a headline in the News Wrecker …. no wait, that was the News Leader, a paper just as funny, although not intentionally.
Until I read that article I was operating under the impression that sand dunes occurred naturally. Apparently I’m wrong.
Based on what I read in the News Leader, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers builds dunes. Just tell them how many you want and when and where you want them. Does Federal Express or UPS deliver them? If you’re not home do they leave them on the front porch?
It Looks Like An Award: The Fernandina Beach Municipal “It-Looks-Like-An-Airplane-Terminal” Airport was awarded the 2019 General Aviation Project of the Year by the Florida Department of Transportation during the Florida Airports Council Annual Conference recently. The award is worthless in generating revenues for the city’s $4.5 million boondoggle and the release didn’t mention if those voting for this award had been drinking.
How To Get A Smoking Hot Body: It’s simple. First come to Amelia Island this week. Then walk from your front door to the mailbox.
Things To Think About: Politicians are constantly telling us how Social Security is going to run out of money but we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money. What’s interesting is that we worked for the Social Security money, it’s ours. But the second group did not. *** For eight years if I disagreed with the President I was racist. Now if I agree with the President I’m racist.
Things I Wish I’d Said: “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy. But the Bible says, ‘Love your enemy.’” — Frank Sinatra